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Bloody Brilliant, cried with laughter....
--
Regards
Blue
"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" <orfairbairn@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:orfairbairn-D74FD4.23454506092005@news1.west.earthlink.net...
>I got this one from a friend. How true!
>
>
> Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!
>
>
>>>
>>> a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
>>> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
>>> chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
> that
>>> freshly painted part you were drying.
>>>
>>> b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
>>> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
>>> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
> to
>>> say, "Ouch...."
>>>
>>> c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
> their
>>> holes until you die of old age
>
>>> d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>>>
>>> e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>>> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>>> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
>>> dismal your future becomes.
>>>
>>> f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
>>> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the
>>> palm of your hand.
>>>
>>> g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
>>> flammable objects in your shop on fire.
>>> Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to
>>> get the bearing race out of.
>>>
>>> h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>>> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
> 1/2
>>> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>>
>>> i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
> ground
>>> after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
>>> handle firmly under the bumper.
>>>
>>> j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
>>> upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>>>
>>> k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>>>
>>> l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
>>> hydraulic floor jack.
>>>
>>> m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for
>>> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
>>>
>>> n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
> holes
>>> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>>>
>>> o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
> tensile
>>> strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
>>> disconnect.
>>>
>>> p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
>>> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
> end
>>> without the handle.
>>>
>>> q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>>
>>> r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
>>> Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
>>> sunshine vitamin," which isn't otherwise found under cars at
>>> night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
>>> light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might
> be
>>> used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
>>> More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>>>
>>> s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
>>> as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>>>
>>> t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning
>>> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
>>> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
>>> bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds
>>> them off.
>>>
>>> u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>>> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>>
>>> v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>>>
>>> w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is
>>> used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
>>> the object we are trying to hit.
>>>
>>> x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>>> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well
>>> on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.
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Re: Tools
